


(I'm Glad) Your Ghost Keeps Finding Me

by Nillen



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fix-It, Grief/Mourning, M/M, What Was I Thinking?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-22
Updated: 2015-05-22
Packaged: 2018-03-31 17:28:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3986617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nillen/pseuds/Nillen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The ghost stays here. It stays here in Eggsy's room, in Eggsy's personal space, and in Eggsy's heart. And Eggsy never wants it to leave.</p><p>Or,</p><p>Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin, 5 stages of grief, and Harry Hart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	(I'm Glad) Your Ghost Keeps Finding Me

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Kingsman: The Secret Service.
> 
> Unbeta-ed. Sorry for all the errors :(

1\. Denial.

Eggsy was informed of the plan to get Harry Hart back to London a few days after Valentine’s death. At first he could only blink his eyes, and the memory of the gun pointed at Harry’s head came back to his mind. Then he remembered the small box that the old tailor gave him the day Eggsy returned from the saving-the-world mission.

Turned out that Harry had left him a present with a card, written with the word ‘I’m sorry for getting angry at you about the dog. Wait for me, and we will sort things out together.’

Eggsy didn’t know why, but he didn’t open the box right after he got it. But he did find himself at Harry’s home; dark, quiet, empty. He found himself standing at the front door, thinking that any moment from then on he would hear calculated footsteps coming down from the upper floor, and Harry would greet him with the small, familiar smile tugging at one side of his lips.

Harry didn’t, _appeared_ , but Eggsy waited almost an hour anyway.

After that he decided that Harry was just not home yet, so he stepped inside with a grace of a gentleman that would make Harry proud of him. He put the present on top of the coffee table in the living room, and proceeded to make himself a glass of martini. Quietly he thought of things that they would have to talk about once Harry returned; about the little argument that they had over J.B., about the remark that Eggsy made about his dead father to Harry, and about their first, desperate kiss Eggsy had pressed upon Harry’s lips and Harry had responded to, just before he left for Kentucky.

He made himself the glass of martini and sat down on the chair in Harry’s office, his blue eyes looking at all the front pages of old newspapers Harry had put against the wall of the room.

The present, however, remained where it was; the place where Eggsy wanted Harry to see it and give it to Eggsy himself.

Because that was how things should be done.

So when Merlin asked him whether he wanted to join the team to retrieve Galahad’s body, Eggsy refused to. Harry Hart was still alive and Eggsy was going to wait for Harry Hart to return back to him.

 

2\. Anger.

Eggsy didn’t make any follow up with the team that went to recover Galahad’s body, but he did know that the team hadn’t returned back to London yet.

However, he also did get the pitied glances from Merlin, Roxy and even a few other people in Kingsman. Eggsy was appointed as the new Galahad not long after their return, and although there was frustration in him, Eggsy knew he needed the code name in order for him to continue doing what he loved as a Kingsman.

His life went as usual weeks after the Almost-Genocide Day. He managed to get his mom and baby sister away from Dean’s clutch, and while his family lived at the house Kingsman had provided for him, Eggsy decided to stay in Harry’s. It felt more like at home rather than anywhere else, and Harry probably would love it anyway if Eggsy decided to officially move in with him later on.

Merlin at first objected to his request to keep the house, due for some reasons that he needed Eggsy to move on, but by one angered lash out by Eggsy had him silenced and defeated.

_“What the fuck do you mean by that? Why are you giving up on Harry?!”_

Now, it was 8:24 pm and Eggsy was lying down on Harry’s bed in the master bedroom. He had just returned from a mission taken place in Bristol, and he was dead tired. Roxy was his partner for the case and grudgingly Eggsy had to endure more pitied eyes from the girl. He knew that Roxy wasn’t questioning his ability to work, because Eggsy proved it by himself when he succeeded to complete their mission almost single-handedly.

It was the way Roxy looked at him every time he checked his Kingsman’s glasses and cellphone for that one personal call or message, as if he was waiting for something that wouldn’t come. Roxy even patted him on his shoulder once when Eggsy told her that since there was yet any report about Harry Hart’s body, that could only mean one thing, and only one.

Eggsy looked at the ceiling belonged to Harry’s bedroom, fingers subconsciously counting the months that Harry had been away from him.

Three months.

Three fucking months.

“Harry you fucking git. Why are you doing this to me?” Eggsy asked into the silence of the room. He was expecting no answer, like how he had been doing for three fucking months and got no answer back in return. He carefully ran his fingertips against the cold sheet of the bed, pretending that he could feel some warmth that belonged to Harry there. Praying that Harry could be there with him was hopeless, but Eggsy refused to accept anything other than that.

He made sure that the maid who came to clean the house weekly to not touch anything in the house, so that things would be in the same position that they were when its owner returned there. The files in Harry’s study, the cutlery set Harry put on the dining table, and the present, the fucking present Eggsy put in the living room.

Eggsy wanted them all to stay where they were, because those were the only remains of Harry that he had left. And holding on onto these small details that would soon disappear into nothingness, made Eggsy’s eyes suddenly felt warm and teary.

Eggsy turned to look at his right hand, spread out as if it was holding onto something Eggsy had lost, and Eggsy blinked his eyes slowly.

He didn’t know when or how, but his eyes were now wet and he couldn’t stop his hand from trying to grip the air, wanting to grip something that wasn’t there for him to have. Eggsy wanted, and he wanted, and _he wanted_.

He wanted Harry and he hated the way people looked at him like he was hoping for something impossible.

He wanted Harry and he hated that Roxy and Merlin acted as if they had given up their faith for him.

He wanted Harry, not the pitied eyes and comforting touches, and meaningless sentiments scattered around the empty house.

He wanted Harry and it seemed that he was the only one left that was still wanting Harry.

He wanted Harry, and just _Harry_.

“Fuck you, Harry,” Eggsy shut his eyes closed and willing the angry sobs to escape his body, curling into a fetus position and punching the bed with his right hand. He missed Harry and it felt like he was the only one who still did.

Harry probably didn’t care about him anymore, and fuck him because he made Eggsy like this, fuck God for making Eggsy had it all and lost it, fuck his life for making Harry not his.

Eggsy cried and punched the bed and cried some more.

“ _Fuck you, you bastard, fuck you_.”

 

3\. Bargaining.

“Maybe this is a test.”

Roxy turned to look at him with narrowed eyes, though they had a tint of surprise and confusion in them.

“What do you mean?”

Eggsy tried to focus on his aim; the target 500 meters away from him and he needed to get at least ninety-five percent accuracy this time.

“This.”

He shot the target and saw the mark on the white screen placed on the high wall of the range shooting room. It showed him ninety-seven percent accuracy and he felt a smile tugging on his lips. Roxy somehow didn’t seem satisfied with his answer. She abandoned her gun, putting on the safety and turned to face him fully next to her shooting lane.

“Eggsy, if you don’t mind to explain?”

Eggsy sighed at the tone that she used, wondering why she was getting worked up over his sudden, new, theory. He pulled off his shooting earmuffs, and gave a slight glance to the female next to him.

“Maybe if I perform better in the field, Harry would come back.”

The sight of Roxy’s eyes widened, albeit only a little, was uncomfortable and it was making Eggsy felt defensive. The blonde didn’t say anything for a while, just staring at Eggsy as if she wasn’t sure if Eggsy was sane or not. Her body posture was stiff, calculating, and Eggsy considered to take back his words when she suddenly spoke to him.

“Eggsy, it has been 6 months.”

Eggsy’s hand twitched on the gun, and that making him subconsciously put it away before he used it against someone else, or worse, himself. He quietly placed the metal onto its resting handle, and slowly turned to look directly at Roxy. She was looking at him with eyes so determined and posture so firmed, as if she was trying to be strong for the two of them. Eggsy felt something sad deflected in him.

“They haven’t found him yet.”

“The body was taken away by someone before the retrieving team reached the place.”

“He could be a John Doe somewhere.”

“Not if he was shot in the head.”

“But what if he survived?”

“Then he mustn’t have wanted Kingsman back.”

The silence that responded to Roxy’s words were deafening, like a tinkle in an empty room. Eggsy wasn’t sure how his expression must have looked like, but he felt more defeated, because people kept killing his hope and he didn’t want it to die.

“But-”

_“Galahad, Lancelot, to the meeting room, now. You have a new mission to handle.”_

The announcement made into the shooting room cut off his words, and Roxy could only give him a stiff nod before leaving him to change her attire. He felt a little better when the space was given back to him, and never once before in his life he was so grateful to have Roxy far, far away from him.

So, Eggsy stood alone in the room for another minute, counting his breath and trying to wipe away all those imaginary voices that telling him Harry would only come back if Eggsy became worthy enough for it.

 

4\. Depression 

It was almost a year, to the anniversary of the massacre that Valentine had caused.  The Kingsman had gained back their footing, and everyone was almost healed by the tragedy that had caused them to lose a number of their people.

Eggsy heard that they decided to make a formal dinner, just to celebrate those that didn’t betray them and giving appreciation to the fallen ones. Eggsy kept it quiet and nodded politely when he was given his card for the dinner, Roxy next to him looked prim as ever as she exchanged words with Merlin about their latest mission accomplished. Eggsy flipped open the card in his hands, blue eyes expressionless as they stared at the name list stated for Kingsman’s fallen knights, and if his eyes gazed at a particular name that started with H, there was nobody there to chastise him. Gently Eggsy rubbed his thumb against the written name, his eyes became a bit dazed and he wondered what he was doing there now.

Without Harry.

“Eggsy, you’re ready to go?” Roxy turned to look at him, and Eggsy calmly put back the card into its small envelope. He saw from the corner of his eyes the way Merlin glanced at him, but he only gave the older man a small grin.

Nothing else to say by then; Eggsy was alone in this and he didn’t need anyone else to reprimand him that he was a lost cause.

Roxy and Eggsy went their separate ways once they exited the shop, and Eggsy took his taxi to go to his mother’s house. He needed to spend some time with his baby sister, and his need for Michelle’s company was overdue anyway.

The card stayed silent in the pocket of his suit; heavy, suffocating, _real_.

(Eggsy thought that he was running out of time.)

JB was already waiting for him at the front door when he arrived. Eggsy smiled at the dog, and carefully pulled him up into a hug.

“Have you been a good boy, JB? My good little boy?” he cooed JB and JB replied with exciting barks and licks on his face. Eggsy laughed at the response he got, and when Michelle came along with his sister to the front door to greet him home, Eggsy pressed a kiss against his mother’s cheek and his little sister’s forehead.

“’m home. So… what’s for dinner?” Eggsy grinned, hoping that his mask could make him survive another few hours before he could go back to Harry’s and weep in his self-misery.

Michelle however, frowned a little, and Eggsy tried his best to avoid looking directly at her eyes. He proceeded to walk into the house and closed the door with a quiet ‘clink’.

Later that night, when Eggsy finally returned back home, once again leaving JB for his mother to take care of, he undressed himself and stood in front of the full length mirror inside of Harry’s bedroom.

His blue eyes traced every part of his skin that was scarred and once tainted with injuries, wondering that why he was carrying all these reminders that he was still surviving. He remembered that one moment of his life when he told Chester King that he’d rather be with Harry, than anything else.

He wondered what made him not being with Harry now.

Maybe because he had his mother and sister to take care of, he had Merlin, Roxy, and JB to remind him that he was not alone, and that he had Kingsman – something that Harry had given to him, to live in. Eggsy wondered that if he didn’t have all these now, would he be with Harry by then.

Happy, satisfied, and purely pleased that he finally got to have his Galahad back by his side.

Maybe the thing that made it hard for him to move on was because Harry didn’t actually bid his goodbye.

He only left a box of gift, still situated in the living room, untouched by Eggsy, and he also left a note, ‘Wait for me’.

_‘Wait for me.’_

What could have that meant when Harry wrote it down for him? Was he thinking that the mission would be nothing? That he wouldn’t kill all those people in the church, and have a bullet shot through his head? That was it?

Eggsy wondered if the reason why Harry didn’t say goodbye was probably because he was fighting so hard to live, he had missed his chance?

Did he see Eggsy in his last moment of life, when the gun was pointed to his head?

Eggsy took a shaky breath, eyes blinking slowly as he ran his fingertips against his skin, and stopped when it graced the skin that hidden his heart. Blinking his eyes again, Eggsy pressed against the skin and wanting it to go through his ribs and tear out his heart.

He needed it to die, so that he could forget.

He needed Harry to die, because he couldn’t keep Harry in his chest any longer.

“Eggsy, what have you done to yourself?”

Eggsy whispered to the mirror, before turning back to look at the open door of the bedroom. He watched the opening for a moment, mind debating whether or not he proceeded with what he was thinking of, or just let it be and start to pretend that he had never kissed Harry Hart, he had never been in love with Harry Hart, and that he never wanted Harry Hart to stay in his life forever and ever.

But before he could stop himself, Eggsy had taken the red robe belonged to Harry, wearing it like it was his second skin, and walked towards the living room. His movements were slow, although a bit hesitant in their steps, and when his legs halted, his trembling hand reached out and grabbed the small box of gift carefully.

Eggsy’s blue eyes were half lidded, mind wondering what it could be inside of the box, at the same time questioning his own decision to ruin his own sanity.

Once the black wrapping fell to the ground, Eggsy found a simple box made of leather, and he subconsciously took a shaky breath as he slowly pulled the lid opened.

-

_“Rox?”_

“Eggsy?”

“ _Rox_.”

“Eggsy, what happened? Are you okay?”

_“I don’ know… I thought if I… if I opened his fucking gift and accepted that he would not be fucking back ever again, I thought I’d be okay- Rox, I can’t do this, what should I do, tell me what should I do-”_

“Eggsy, Eggsy! Try to calm down. I’m on my way.”

_“Rox.”_

Her name felt heavy through the line and Roxy knew something was wrong since the first time she had gotten the news of Harry Hart’s death.

_“… He gave me the key to his life, Rox, his life.”_

 

5\. Acceptance

Acceptance was decidedly the final stage of grief. It was the moment when the person felt that he was ready to move on, and was ready to let go of things that hurt them the most. It didn’t mean that they would forget the past, it just simply meant that the old chapter needed to be closed, and that a new chapter needed to be started. When acceptance was made, the heart would lose its burden, and forgiveness would be given to the dead, for leaving the survivor behind. Scientifically, it sounded easy, perhaps because the other stages had more weight to be let go. But emotionally, reality-wise, acceptance was the worst stage, probably because it meant accepting that nothing that had been done can change anything, and every tear, pain, and sorrow that were felt, ended up to become nothingness.

Harry Hart knew that there was a chance that he was not coming back. So he left a note, ‘ _Wait for me’_ , and he left the key to his house, ‘ _But if I could not return, what was left of my life now is all yours’,_ because he knew Eggsy too personally, knew that Eggsy wouldn’t open the gift if he was still waiting for Harry to come back.

And Eggsy was done with waiting for Harry. He was done with weeping, hoping, living his life miserably, while thinking that maybe they still had something left for them.

It was a year after Harry Hart, former Galahad’s death, and Eggsy stood in front of a mirror, all clad in black suit, with eyes dead and body finally grieving for a lost love that was never his. He straightened his necktie, and adjusted his sleeve like a gentleman he was taught to be. Glancing at the clock on the wall, he realized that he still had 30 minutes left before the formal dinner begin.

So Eggsy sat down on the bed that had once belonged to Harry, and ran his fingers against the bedsheet that had once traced by Harry’s. He looked around the room, wondering where 12 months of his life had gone to, but deep down, he knew he couldn’t regret anything that was associated with his former mentor.

Sighing a deep breath, Eggsy closed his eyes, and made up his mind.

He had agreed to attend a session with a psychiatrist, for Roxy’s sake, and for his career’s as well, because Merlin was a bit worried that he would hurt himself if he was still mentally unstable. Although no one actually dare to point out his change of character after Harry’s death, the tension was still there and the reason why nobody pointed out the elephant in the room was because Eggsy was excellent at his job.

But Merlin was Merlin, and Eggsy had been just this young, sad boy, that Merlin thought needed help.

Eggsy didn’t object, because he knew he did too.

After spending another few minutes to collect himself, Eggsy stood up and made his way to leave for the dinner. He took his trench coat and his keys, and with ease similarity, opened the door to step out and learn to accept that Harry Hart was now dead and never to come back.

 

Only that when the door was opened, a tall man was standing right in front of Eggsy. He was wearing a fitting black suit, and his hair was combed back neatly, and there was a scar on top of his right temple.

The man was looking at Eggsy with his oh-so-familiar brown eyes, and lips that lined into a small, but barely recognized smile, and Eggsy felt his breath stuck in his throat, heart clenched into a painful squeeze and all his life rewind back to the moment when he first saw Harry fucking Hart leaning against the wall of the stairs and giving him stars for his dark sky.

Eggsy breathed out.

Silence defeating, but the world was turning upside down and Eggsy remembered dying with a gun pointed at Harry’s head and Eggsy’s world had turned black.

But the man didn’t disappear and Eggsy stared at him like he was a ghost waiting to haunt him again. The ghost offered him another familiar, small smile, and Eggsy felt his eyes warmed and his sight blurry.

“Hello, Eggsy… Long time no see.”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys enjoy it. Leave me some love yeah :)
> 
> P/S: I'm too busy nowadays, I have the very intention to reply to all the comments for my previous stories, so I'm just gonna do that once I'm done with all the crazy submissions, shit, I have tests on this weekend SHIT TIQ WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOURSELF SHIITT


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